I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
