I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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