I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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