hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
