Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
