kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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