I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
