Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
