He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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