the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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