6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
