tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
