I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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