Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
