I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
