I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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