Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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