You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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