I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
