On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
