My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
