This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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