I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
