Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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