please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
