I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
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