Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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