so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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