Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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