This girl is more easily done than said...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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