Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
