How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I came so hard my ears popped.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Someone signed my nipple.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
