somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
