one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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