there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
