eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
