Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
