she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
