so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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