Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
ok first of all what the fuck
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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