I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
