i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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