The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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