Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
