Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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