i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
