She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
