i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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