if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
