If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
