My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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