i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
